Jack

I had a dream. I had an awesome dream. It involved Jory, Rowan, Layla, and Jack. Jack, the newest member of our family. But as of Friday, the dream, the awesome dream of Jack died with one phone call.

I had gone back and forth about Jack. Did I really want another baby, newborn to be specific, because I felt our family wasn’t complete or because I just wanted to buy cute little baby clothes? Did I want Jack waking me up every four hours to eat because our family wasn’t complete or because the baby is during into someone who can think thoughts and practically text message vote for her favorite on American Idol? I guess it came down to was this my will and desire or was it God’s? Were we on the same page like we had been three times before? So me being my wonderful, gracious self, I said and prayed, God, I’m content either way.

Of course, this meant I was looking for signs everywhere. When I saw a baby, I wondered do I feel a longing for that to me, as I remind Jory and Rowan to hold hands as we walked through the parking lot. As I watched the one-year-old toddle by me, I thought that could be me in a year or a year-and-a-half, as I realized my baby was no longer playing on the slide with her sister.

With Jack, I would be in the moment, I told myself. I would record when he first sat up, first rolled over, got his first tooth, said his first word, crawled for the first time, signed his first sign, grew his first tooth, and first felt that spoon on his tongue covered with “food”, how that horrible tasting stuff even has food in its title is beyond me. Jory, Rowan, and Layla could see, interact, and watch a baby grow before their own eyes. They could see the adoption process play out so they’ll know
what to expect in twenty-five years. Jory could have another one like him, as he informed me, in the house.

But then there was another part of me that said, uh, yeah maybe on the TTT’s blog which would have to change to some adjective that starts with a “Q”, then the word quad, would I write down when Jack had his milestones, but not while I’m at home with three other people calling out for “Mommy” and I’m homeschooling. I think the time to appreciate every precious moment was with Jory when there was nothing else to distract me and all those moments didn’t get written down then.

At the NACAC conference, I started overhearing things about the system, about DCF that put me on alert. I talked to some parents, one whom recently adopted from the system, to feel them out. I was left with an uneasy feeling, then someone recommended I talk to someone I trusted. Jory’s SW, I trusted her. I knew she would steer me in the right direction. I called once and left a message and then I heard nothing for days. I tried again on Friday and she said, “No.” She said this was the worse she had seen the system in the forty years she had been a SW. Six, nearly, gulp, seven years ago, God used this woman to tell me, yes, adopt this newborn whom you’ll call Jory. And now He used her to say, no, it’s not time for Jack.

What a relief to know the answer. Well maybe relief isn’t the right word, it’s just a blessing to know God answered my prayer and now I can put all my attention to finding the exact right daycare for Mr. Jory. I don’t know if God’s answer is no to Jack forever or if it’s no for right now, though He knows if the answer is no for a while then Jack will have to be joined by Tatum and Jude, cause I can’t let Jack be an only child and I have to have an even number of kids, plus it would be interesting to see the dynamic of two boys and one girl. But let me not get carried away. I thank Him for answering my prayers. So for now, au revoir, Jack.